Our Feeds!
Awesome Humor Blogs
Brett Writes Letters
Hilarity Ensues
The Manliness Guide
Two living man-gods help you become the man nature intended you to be, but were always too soft to become. Oh, did I mention they wrestle bears professionally? Because that's kind of important too.
Go-See-A-Movie
The incoherent ramblings of a totally badass film critic. "Let's face it - I probably have better taste than you."
-
Review: Buzz Hollywood
But if one were in the situation in which video games were required to move an awkward social situation out of the suburbs of Dullsville and into the actual metropolitan area, look no further than Buzz: Hollywood.
The Buzz series is a line of trivia games straight out of the fun factories of Sony Europe, and the Hollywood edition plays out exactly like a game of Scene It, only this time featuring a genuinely funny, but insanely repetitive game show host Buzz. While the host's jokes are legitimately funny, at first, they become stale by the third game, and you will want to murder him.
"Hi, I'm Buzz, I'll host the shit out of your face. The is until the third game when you will have heard all of my jokes and will wish that I were a real person, featuring real teeth. Because if I were you could smash them in with a tube sock full of quarters."
The buzzer controllers,
("oh hi") make everything far less intimidating to those non-gamers who are sure to be along for the trip, which couples nicely with the easy to understand game show format. For a "party" game, the real key isn't necessarily being a great game, rather about presenting opportunities for players to have a good time together. This is what Buzz Hollywood is incredibly good at. It took forever, but I eventually rounded up a few friends to sit around and play the game, and we had a blast.
The heated battle for first place that resulted in the sole form of communication between my roommate Andy and I being exchanged middle fingers was perhaps only rivaled by the fact that by the end of the game his girlfriend was almost in tears. Mostly in part due to a combination of my extreme scorn, her inability to make her fingers push the correct colored button with any consistency or speed and her absolute lack of movie knowledge.
God that ruled.
Reviewing Buzz Hollywood is like reviewing a Ford Pinto.
"Sweet Jesus end my life!"
Do you punish the car for being a cheap piece of shit, because that is what is it? Or do you reward the Pinto for being exactly what it set out to be, a champion in the field of cheap piece of shit cars?
Similarly, Buzz Hollywood is a tough call, it's not a particularly good game. The host is fucking annoying, the game is absolutely zero fun if you are not playing with a room full of people and in reality the game itself isn't what is providing the fun, it is the friends you play it with. But then again, Buzz Hollywood is very good at creating opportunities for you to have fun with those people...
I'd say as far as "party" games are concerned, Buzz Hollywood is a winner, because at least it isn't like Mario Party 8 where the game repeatedly asks you and your friends to see who is the fastest at shaking a can of soda, in a motion that conversely reveals to everyone at the party just who is the best at jacking off a dick.
And that shit's awkward as fuck.
Feature: Saints ROwned? Why Saints Row 2 Might Well Be a GTA IV Killer
"Pompous" comments regardless, there's a reason why Volition, the developers of Saints Row, are feeling so confident even if they delayed the release of the upcoming Saints Row 2 to steer clear of the GTA IV effect. Having played through Rockstar's epic twice and enjoyed every minute of it, I needed another sandbox hit of some description between now and the release of the much-touted DLC and so decided to opt for the budget Saints Row, a title I had been previously sceptical of. My reaction is "wow".
Hit the jump for more<< MORE >>
Spore Creature Creator, AKA How Many Penis Monsters Can I Create
Everyone knows that Spore is gonna be absolutely flush with penis monsters.
I hope, that in the fictional timeline in which the game is actually released, everyone will want to share their creatures with me, because all they will be getting in return is fucked dick monsters like this.
[via kotaku]
Feature: Taking Cover - a look at this gen's cover system mechanics
Here's a closer look at the cover system featured in these games and, what the hell, mini reviews of each.
"I know, there's something about 'CliffyB that I don't like either"
Pressing A to slam your back against walls and conveniently-placed cement blocks functioned like a dream, and, considering how holding down the same button allowed you to run, performing your run-gun-and-cover tactics worked well. I don't get the criticism about the run and cover buttons being mapped to the same key though: I mean, just let it go and press it again! Not hard! Story, huh? More just an excuse for action set pieces, really. Nobody's mansion is that bloody big and filled with cover and flanking spots, surely.
Safe Cover:
Extremely easy to use, and the blind-fire and popping-out-to-shoot systems worked great in the all out carnage environment that most of us have come to love.
Bad Cover:
Blind-firing is maybe a bit too accurate and throwing grenades is a bit dodgy when you want to throw them far and can't see where they'll land. Jumping is initially tricky too as I spent a good five minutes one my first playthrough on the tutorial level just figuring out where to bloody go after you pick up those grenades. Oh wait, there is no jump is there? Well even if it is aerially-challenged, Marcus and Gears paved the way for the cover system that's now used in practically every third-person (and even first-person) shooter that came after it.
[Insert Name] Shepard, male version: "Why do all those NPCs perform that 'fist slapping on open palm' gesture?"
Pressing up on the left stick when close to a wall just doesn't cut it, to be frank. The battle system often turns psychotic and the fact that a hundred things are going on at the same time and you can get killed quicker than it takes to type a forlorn 'WTF?' doesn't help either. While you're busy frantically getting used to pressing LB or RB to respectively change weapons or selecting skills, the action is made more tolerable through the sheer quality of the story and fictional universe and, to be fair, once you actually use those skills like you're supposed to it does help things make more sense.
Safe Cover:
The cover system is pretty shoddy but made up for by a great overall story. Lucky, because If this were any other game the mechanic would be potentially destructive. Like Kane & Lynch, although I don't think anyone got sacked over reviews for ME.
Bad Cover:
Just don't use it, get Liara to heal everyone and you'll be right.
"I found Joanna Torres' voice really annoying, too"
A truly excellent cover system where the L2/LT button takes on great significance. Seeing your first-person controlled character switch to the third-person perspective is a great touch, especially in the middle of, say, a hefty 'light' machine gun reload animation. Strict blind-fire adds much to the tension and makes you play with considerably more skill than your typical shooter, and the story, whilst hardly engrossing, serves its purpose in a 'oh hostages? Go silent' kinda way.
Safe Cover:
Easy to use and as realistic as a shooter can get, R6V2 also introduced COD4-style sprinting and 'temporary' cover that you can shoot through, with the latter hence making you think twice before hiding behind that sheet of balsa wood. Playing R6V even makes going back to the mighty COD4 seem a bit of a step down when you find yourself constantly strafing from side to side to avoid getting hit.
Bad Cover:
Blind-firing is arguably not accurate enough: you tend to find this out the hard way when you're pinned down and enemies/other players charge towards you and you're down to your last two shells of that damned SPAS 12 and it's taking too long to reload and ARGHHHH!! etc, but my annoyances are more with the completely unfair enemy spawn points when doing Terrorist Hunt...think you're safe? You're not. Snaked. From behind.
"No I can't hang out with you, cousin, I'm stuck behind this wall"
Possibly the most hyped game ever, we were all looking forward to the cover system in a GTA environment. But perfect scores regardless, it fails: the aiming controls lock something severe when you take cover, rendering you unable to focus your crosshairs for the first few seconds. And God forbid if an enemy decides to flank you and you have to perform complex tasks like 'get out of cover', which leads swiftly to receiving a 'replay mission?' text on your phone. The Euphoria system introduced great (but by no means perfect) character animations, but did Niko really have to be so heavy? Try running in a small circle...just try it.
Safe Cover:
Well you could see what Rockstar were trying to do, but the end product isn't quite there. I still love the game all the same though, and doing those knee sliding moves when running to cover looks great...until you're stuck on the wrong side of a wall, then it takes too long to even turn around, and then you're dead (and then some kid starts laughing over Xbox Live, and then you decide to spend the rest of the night HUNTING HIM DOWN by hanging around the small respawn radius with an SMG). Then that kid submits a bad player review, saying you were unsporting, so you...oh wait, this should still be in those brackets, eh?
Bad Cover:
Flawed to the point of broken. Better than nothing maybe, but those are the words of the weak. It should have been tWEAKed at very least. Blind-firing is way too accurate too so it's tempting to just stick with that until everyone is eventually dead. Or are they? Some guys seem to get up after a while, even though I'm CERTAIN they copped one in the head.
Coming Back From the Grave.
We are coming back, stronger than ever.
Expect a mind-blowing review of Buzz Hollywood in the next day or two. A Battle of the Bands and Alone in the Dark coming soon after that, along with news, rants, videos and general tomfoolery. Also, lots of anger and obscenities.
But until then check out out buds at World 1-1 they know their games and have game reviews on lock. Also, totally featuring ex-phase1 o'naut Matt.
Why haven't you been there already!?
Basically the status of phase1 right now. A zombie bunny.
GTA IV
In case you didn't hear, GTA IV came out today. Expect no game news unrelated to the venerable series, on any outlet, for at least three days.
Maybe with this version they added the fun this time around so that it actually deserves the all the hype.
Crossover Hell: Mortal Kombat vs DC Comics
"Koming soon"? Jeez, we are SO over the whole K thing already! How about just re-releasing that terrible MORTAL KOMBAT!!! techno song again while you're at it?
So before I get all cynical and rip into this news, I must admit that I loved MK as a kid, and just thinking about the series takes me back: writing down the fatality moves from Gamepro magazine and taking them to the arcades with me; being so so frightened of Baraka and the Dead Forest stage in MK2 (and of telling my mum that buying the Game Boy version was a waste of money and I wanted to take it back to the shop); memorising Sub Zero's 6-hit combo in Ultimate MK3 (what was up with that 'run' button, eh?); having a crush on Sonja Blade (Kerri Hoskins).[Awkward Silence.]
So after playing 'classic' MK2 on my neighbour's PS3 and downloading the UMK3 demo from Xbox Live, I've come to the conclusion that, man, if there were any games that should be left untouched so as to preserve their dignity, it would be the Mortal Kombat ones. They have not aged well AT ALL and I feel cheated in a looking-back-on-one's-precious-childhood kinda way.
This isn't even to mention all those abominable LOL MK games: Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero, Mortal Kombat: Special Forces, Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, Mortal Kombat: Trying to Milk This as Much as We Can Before the Bubble Bursts...you get the picture. DC have hardly come up with a decent game at all (Superman Returns, Superman 64, oh dear me) and, Batman Begins apart, a worthwhile film for, what, twenty years? Which makes me think of Sharon Stone in Catwoman. On a separate note, has anyone seen Superman III lately? It was on TV a while back over here and I was watching Richard Pryor mess about, not knowing it was a Superman film until Christopher Reeve showed up. A Complete Joke and a real-life WTF? moment right there.
This crossover smacks of pure desperation to me, and is anyone even going to care? All MK had going for it, as time has told us, were the fatalities: maybe the most controversial gimmick in gaming ever. As for DC, I hope they gain more out of this as there really ought to be a good Superman or Batman game out there, and this surely is not it.
So...what ridiculous features do you want to see in this game? Let's get a massive chain-combo (after pressing 'run') of ideas together! I'll start first: Johnny Cage punching Mr Freeze (Schwarzenegger version) in the balls!
HOME Release Date Hidden on Internet
"My HOME house is devoid of friends. Just like my offline life. Great... THANKS FOR NOTHING SONY!"
It seems that our good friends over at the Sony Corporationhave been hiding information about the release date of the popular onlinesocial community “Playstation HOME” in sites across the web.
Oh sure, there have been many theories as to the release date sinceit was promised to Sony’s dwindling, yet loyal, fanbase early 2007, yet onetheory stands above the rest.
Discovered in my booze fueled Facebook and randomwebsite surfing rampage, I came across dictionary.com‘s definition of Home.
–noun
1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence ofna person, family, or household.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4. the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5. the place or region where something is native or most common.
6. any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7. a person's native place or own country.
8. (in games) the destination or goal.
9. a principal base of operations or activities: The new stadiumwill be the home of the local football team.
10. Baseball. home plate.
11. Lacrosse. one of three attack positions nearest the opposing goal.
–adjective
12. of, pertaining to, or connected with one's home orcountry; domestic: home products.
13. principal or main: the corporation's home office.
14. reaching the mark aimed at: a home thrust.
15. Sports. played in aball park, arena,or the like, that is or is assumed to be the center of operations of a team: The pitcher didn't lose a single home game all season. Compare away (def. 11).
–adverb
16. to, toward, or at home: to go home.
17. deep; to the heart: The truth of the accusation struck home.
18. to the mark or point aimed at: He drove the point home.
19. Nautical.
a. into the position desired; perfectly or to the greatest possible extent: sails sheeted home.
b. in the proper, stowed position: The anchor is home.
c. toward its vessel: to bring the anchor home.
–verb (used without object)
20. to go or return home.
21. (of guided missiles, aircraft, etc.) to proceed, esp.under control of an automatic aiming mechanism, toward a specified target, as a plane, missile, or location (often fol. by in on): The missile homed in on the target.
22. to navigate toward a point by means of coordinates otherthan those given by altitudes.
23. to have a home where specified; reside.
–verb (used with object)
24. to bring or send home.
25. to provide with a home.
26. to direct, esp. under control of an automatic aiming device, toward an airport, target, etc.
—Idioms
27. at home,
a. in one's own house or place of residence.
b. in one's own town or country.
c. prepared or willing to receive social visits: Tell him I'm not at home. We are always at home to her.
d. in a situation familiar to one; at ease: She has away of making everyone feel at home.
e. well-informed; proficient: to be at home in the classics.
f. played in one's hometown or on one's own grounds: The Yankees played two games at home and one away.
28. bring home to, to make evident to; clarify or emphasize for: The irrevocability of her decision was brought home to her.
29. home and dry, British Informal. having safely achieved one's goal.
30. home free,
a. assured of finishing, accomplishing, succeeding, etc.: If we can finish more than half the work today, we'll be home free.
b. certain to be successfully finished, accomplished, secured, etc.: With most of the voters supporting it, the new law is home free.
31. write home about, to comment especially on; remark on: The town was nothing to write home about. His cooking is really something to write home about.
As you can see, after highlighting the key letters in the article, it clearly spells out “Home will be released in April.”
… Sony, you sly dog, thought youcould outsmart the gaming public! Wrong.
And yet there’s more to this puzzle. Do you really think the fact that there are 31 definitions for HOME is a coincidence? Well Sony's PR sure hopes you think there isn’t! It’s obvious that Playstation HOME will be released on April 31st of this year. Now, I know what you’re saying, 'But there are only 30 day in April, dumb-ass”.
WRONG: it’s a leap year. And it was right under our noses the entire time.
While they were at it, Sony decided to send out a little “fuck you” to their competition as well. Under the definition of #27 “at home” it clearly states (after highlighting the key letters again) “WII SUCKS”.
And where do most people play their Nintendo Wii? At home! Coincidence? I’ll let you be the judge, but this is one guy who knows better.
So next time you’re on message boards spamming made up release dates for your favorite upcoming Playstation 3 releases, maybe you should open your eyes and do a little research instead.
Zero Punctuation: Condemned 2 Bloodshot
Wow, two Zero Punctuation posts in a row.
I understand that I've been totally slacking, but don't worry, updates are coming later today. Also, some changes that you might be seeing around here took a little planning. Thanks for sticking around.
Zero Punctuation: Condemned 2 Bloodshot [escapist]
Zero Punctuation: No More Heroes
No, you know what Yahtzee, no matter how cool the concept and visuals were for Killer 7 was, that game was awful.
Or perhaps it's pretentiousness was enough of a substitute for fun to satisfy your gamer-art-fag sensibilities.
Doesn't matter, it was crap.
Zero Punctuation: No More Heroes [escapist]
Vocal Only Mega Man 3 Soundtrack and Sound Effects
Over 6 minutes of the soundtrack and sound effects of Mega Man 3 replaced with incredibly high vocals.
It was funny for the first two minutes, or so, but then it just made me so mad that I wanted to tear a tabby cat in half. But I don't have a cat, so I tried to find one that I could purchase, and subsequently tear in half, off of Craig's List, but then the video ended and my anger subsided.
[via destructoid]
Kill Uwe Boll's Career, the Challenge Has Been Brought
I'll be upfront with you, I have never seen an Uwe Boll movie. But I have worked at a movie rental outfit, and I have seen the pain riddled faces of people who have rented his movies. The best response ever was when I asked a customer what he thought of Bloodrayne: he looked me right in the eyes, his full of scorn and simply replied, "Fuck you" and walked out.
Awesome!
Surprisingly enough this did convince me to see his films. Strange how I don't want to spend two hours allowing House of the Dead to suck the life out of me.
But I can still hate him, because for every shitty movie with a video game as a basis, it makes the medium look that much worse in mainstream culture's eyes, and more funding is given to a hack director that could have gone towards some awesome. Or coke for studio execs. Either way, as long as Uwe doesn't get the money, everyone wins
Anyways, back on topic. Over at FEARnet.com, they caught up with Uwe for a quick Postal related interview. Which no one probably cares about because the movie is probably a shit-storm of terrible and awful. But what people should care about is the little nugget at the end of the interview.
Are you aware that there is a petition online, signed by 18,000 people, requesting that you stop making movies?
Yeah, I know that. 18,000 is not enough to convince me.
How many would it take?
One million. Now we have a new goal.
Hear that, haters? A challenge!
Let's make this happen, seriously, sign the petition.
Exclusive: FEARnet Interviews Director Uwe Boll [FEARnet via slashfilm]
New Red vs. Blue Trailer Is Really.... Yeah
I'm not exactly the biggest Halo fan in the entire world, but that certainly doesn't stop me from finding the awesome machinima series, Red vs. Blue, hilarious.
The series zany humor is outrageously appealing, which makes the what-the-fuck-factor for this super serious trailer a little odd.
What the hell IS going on with this!?
Rooster Teeth Home Page [Rooster Teeth]
In Retrospect...: Neverwinter Nights
This screen shot is about as clear as the game itself. Good Luck.
With the demise of Gary Gygax (does not roll 20s), I decided to see what all the hub bub was about. And by hub bub, I mean inspiring the ruination of thousands of lives through LARPing (both observer and participant). So I get myself an early-ish BioWare title: Neverwinter Nights. Now I did not play it completion, but you may consider these opinions as full and complete as you'll get from me, cause I ain't touching it again.
The first half an hour or so was dedicated to creating an ugly, beat-ass dwarf named Slutjaws Slutjawian. Of course I could not make him as ugly as I wanted given the limited character customization options. And given the limited character customization options, I wonder how I spent half an hour making my character, but there you have it.
Then I set about picking attributes for my character, including skills feats and a variety of points to distribute. Having yet to play the game, and being a D&D universe virgin, this was akin to selecting a dinner from a menu written totally in Chinese.
But ol' Slutjaws, with his good natured crazy voice, managed to get into training, where I saw an immediate onslaught of control minutia that I had no hope of ever grasping. Finally, I learned how to fight, which amounted to "click to hit", a mechanic I am absolutely fine with, but I could not figure out what the rest of the foolishness was all about.
Of course my play time with the game was numbered, as actually fighting revealed to me how far down the rabbit hole this game was. Finding the combat not as smooth as I would have liked, I checked my own stats and my weapons. And they gave my damage in terms of dice rolls.
So I turned the game off forever.
Australian Roundup: GTAIV Censored
As for me, I have a 360 and so region-formats are a bit up in the air. Plus I've pre-ordered it already (at almost double the price Americans will pay for it - link below). Sucks to be us.
GTA IV edited for Australia [Sydney Morning Herald]
You Want GTA IV Australia? That'll Be $120, Thanks [Kotaku Australia]
Feature: When Sonic met Mario - A Summary of the Gaming Crossover
What the hell? What's a Spartan soldier doing in DOA 4? Mario and Sonic at the Olympic games? Battletoads vs Double Dragon??
Halo nerds rejoice as Spartan Nicole practices aerobics with the DOA girls
Gaming crossovers have been around for ages now, with a variety of characters and franchises merging together to form some insane results. Robocop vs Terminator was one of the early crossover titles I remember from my youth, and this was pretty cool WAY back before Aliens vs Predator came along with rubbish movies and hardly a single decent game apart from the Jaguar FPS and the side-scrolling arcade game. These days it just gets crazy, with Super Smash Bros Brawl inviting everybody to the party, although as an MGS fan I must admit I don't quite fancy the prospect of Snake getting his arse whipped by Kirby. *Sigh*, what would The Boss think of that?
Smash him Snake, smash him!
Zero Punctuation Army of Two
Yahtzee tries his best to avoid the soft ball right down the center. And is mostly successful.
Zero Punctuation: Army of Two [escapist]
IGN's Exclusive Trailer of Film Adaptation of The Legend of Zelda
I think the worst part is that in comparison to other REAL video game movies, this FAKE trailer looks pretty goddamned good.
Legend of Zelda Movie Trailer Premiere [IGN]
Rare Hides the Truth About Banjo, Pretends Anyone Still Cares
Let's all jump into our way back machines, to remember a time, long ago, when Rare used to make good games, and sometimes even released them... It was a long time ago so I can't blame you if you are having trouble remembering.
But back in the good old days when Rare was Nintendo's hired gun for cute, furry, barf-a-thon collect-a-thon games, the company released a game featuring a retarded hill-billy bear (pictured), donning a backpack stuffed with a wise-crackin' bird. The pair starred in two games, Banjo Kazooie as well as Banjo Tooie.
Today Rare announced the story line of the next game in the Banjo that no one gives a shit about. And thanks to it being April Fool's Day we get to guess from a few options. One of which is the actual story line of the game.
Also the word rumor is spelled incorrectly because these are quotes and Rare is located in Great Britain, which means they can't spell.
Rumour One: Banjo and Grunty team up against a new threat, falling in love in the process.
Rumour Two: Kazooie is abducted by aliens and Banjo heads out to search the cosmos.
Rumour Three: Banjo and Kazooie travel back through time in pursuit of the witch's giant T.I.T.
Rumour Four: Banjo comes out of retirement to stop his home being redeveloped into tower blocks and malls.
Rumour Five: War comes to Spiral Mountain, and Banjo becomes a reluctant leader.
Which one you think it is?
I am hoping for it being a trick question where the correct answer is they shut the fuck up and make the sequel to Perfect Dark we all want. Only this time they won't make it suck like PDZ did.
Disinformation Central '08 [Rare]